WHAT DO YOU REALLY NEED? & WHAT CAN’T YOU LIVE WITHOUT?
Three weeks have swiftly flown by since day one of 2024. So far, I still keep up with the burst of energy that’s usually proper for the beginning of a year. Among sorting things and planning out, organizing details and thinking of immediate steps to take, I am also trying to do some “cleaning” among my immediate and future needs. So the two proper questions I have come up with for such a situation are “What can’t I live without?” and “What do I really need?” Because of these questions an inner debate is being created.
I have asked myself these serious questions many times before; better said, I was forced by circumstances to ask myself these things and I’ve learned that the answers may be drastically different every time. This kind of personal dialogue is first of all very much needed because it is a tentative way for the mind to pause and work towards solutions, and secondly, it can offer some guidance in the right direction, like a map.
Somehow, these questions remind me of that game “name 3 books/movies/people/items you would take along on a desert island”. Quite a tricky game, isn’t it? What I love about it is that I always give impulsively different answers based on what my take on life is at the moment and subsequently, what my needs and priorities are.
As any human being I firstly need the immediate or basic resources to ensure my survival: nutritious food and water, good sleep, warm shelter and clothing. I thank the Almighty for all that. One of the things that my family has instilled in me was the duty to be grateful for having those needs decently fulfilled. I am sure you all remember the famous song of “The Jungle Book” 1967 movie when Balloo is singing “The Bare Necessities” song. Also, all the moralizing stories and books that I have read in my childhood that addressed and condemned greed for land/money, gluttony or jealousy over having more and more possessions never ended well. Some of them were really terrifying and in a way, awe-inspiring. So I’ve never had dreams like living in a big mansion or driving a fancy car or wearing designer clothes or working for the sake of having money. I mean…yes, of course I love to have good looking things but let’s get serious: how many pairs of jeans or shoes does one need? Striving for having a decent life, absolutely. Above that, I think it’s a waste of time, energy and personal potential. I can do just fine without changing my phone every year when a newer model comes out. I’ve learned the lesson of being content with what I had when I started to earn my own money. So I had to work for my food, my shelter, my goods, to live and to be a healthy part of society. Naturally, those two questions started to come in handy ways more often. How I remember the times when I succumbed to feeling angry and bitter because others had better or more! My Mom usually says, “Don’t look only at how many are ahead of you, also look at how many are behind you and be grateful for every step you have taken so far”.
But what about other needs? More sophisticated, not so immediate. Needs that have the potential to make every individual’s life path unique. Needs that require more time and more patience to develop and acquire. Needs that become means to end something and move on, start fresh. Needs that re-evaluate everything, again and again.
One of my mentors, Prof. Orkis has always advised me to use the word “need” when asking something from my chamber music partners, instead of “want”. It tends to rather focus on the demands of music. I need ‘x’ to contribute to ensemble music making at that moment. It softens the edge and sounds less self-oriented.
Recent professional events have made me wonder a lot about those two primary questions regarding personal needs. I thought I had some clear answers. It turned out they were a bit muddy and chaotic. And the funny thing is, deep down, I knew that, but I carried on acting as if everything was great. Gut feeling/intuition is a powerful tool to use in times of wander. It’s infallible. I like to give people and situations a second, maybe third chance, sometimes at the expense of my own peace and comfort. But oftentimes, it comes back as disappointing.
So it happened that I eventually decided to quit one of my jobs that I’ve had for one year and a half. It had become a toxic environment for me to work in. To be fair, I never felt deeply appreciated and trusted there. There was something that kept nagging me in the background. I ignored it at first and then it became more obvious with time. But it was a paid job and who would turn down a chance to have some financial stability in their life? The thing is that when it ceases to be engaging and fun, when enthusiasm is replaced by boring routine and every week has that déjà -vu kind of feeling, that’s a red flag for me. I could never function within a routinized schedule that in the end kills any effort to do something differently, to leave room for improvement and creativity. For me, this is the worst thing imaginable.
So one of the answers I have been looking for is exactly this: creativity. Yes, routine is necessary, it is discipline. Very much needed, even crucial. But never to replace growth which is the exact purpose of discipline. With my old job I felt stuck and ignored. There were circumstances where I felt I wasn’t even let to do the job I was hired for. Funny, it had to do with making music, something that I have spent all my life doing. Here is the thing: I don’t need people that have no professional experience coming to me and telling me how to do my job. Sometimes even showing me in a very annoying and rude way. So I decided the best way to protect my needs and myself is to walk away. I feel sorry for them though. They can’t see beyond their little old square. In Romanian we call them ‘horse-glasses wearers’. I have to say that it was one of my first experiences of that kind, to be stuck for a while in a clearly old and dying environment. I thought I could bring some fresh blood to that place. And as much as I tried in the beginning to be receptive and creative and use the space to enrich the musical life there, I had no support to count on. Quality and change need investment of any kind and even sacrifice. Pity when people can’t acknowledge that…
I am not a tree with the roots stuck in the ground. I can move on. Nothing is permanent and any change is for the better. I deserve better. I need to have a clear conscience that I am spending my time and energy in a place where I am valued and where my efforts lead on to something.
Some of you might think “But what about money? You had a steady job”. I honestly smile at that question. First of all, I have other jobs to count on. Secondly, for me, money was never the most powerful incentive to keep on and on in a place. Every time I put it first I did my job with a bitter feeling that took even more energy than usual. Money assures physical survival but it does not guarantee emotional thriving.
Aside from that professional episode that now I am done with, another similar life situation regarding courses has happened at the University where I do my doctorate. Within a couple of hours I had to assess my options based on “What do I need from this?” and “What couldn’t I live without?”. I need certain surroundings that offer me the chance to learn and grow at the best of my abilities. I can’t live without being myself (chatty, noisy, and enthusiastic) and exploring around. I’ve always believed that an experience is not so much about the place but the people that inhabit that place. It’s people that make a place, not the other way around. When I applied for Temple University, I applied because of certain musicians/artists that I needed for guidance, not for the school name. I didn’t care if it was less resonant than Juilliard or Manhattan or Eastman Music Schools; I had to follow what my musical needs were telling me.
It’s always a courageous choice to listen to that little hidden voice within. Together with a scrutinizing mind it can offer the best insight to what’s next.
And now it’s your turn:
What do you really need?
What can’t you live without?
