Reflections on 2023 at the beginning of 2024
The first couple of days of the New Year are peaceful and serene. There is enough time and space now to plan future steps without any sharp pressure hovering over.
Nevertheless, I have to admit that I am still dwelling on the lessons I’ve received in 2023 and what that year was all about.
I am the Music Director of Fox Chase United Methodist Church and one thing that I enjoy the most there is the very first service that happens at the beginning of each year. What’s special about it is that they have this wonderful tradition of “STAR WORDS” (no Star Wars this time)!. The pastor brings a bag full of paper or wooden star-shaped decorations and each piece has a certain word spelled on. What happens is that each member of the congregation gets to pull a star out of the bad without peeking, of course. In the meantime, I provide ambiental music by improvising on the organ. So the word that a person choses is believed to define their year ahead. Or… maybe the word choses the person?!
Every time is was my turn I tried to blank out my mind, go with my gut, take a deep breath, shovel my hand in the bag, stir and pick. I think of it as a leap of faith. At the end of each year whoever wants to can give a short speech about their chosen word and what significance it had throughout the year in their lives.
So my star word for 2023 was COURAGE (picture below). At first my reaction was “Seriously? Seems a bit redundant…”. I mean…pretty much my whole life I thought I had it in me: courage to perform on stage (and oh boy, a lot of that is needed!), courage to move to a different country/continent, courage to start over, courage to explore new places, to try out new experiences as many as possible; even courage to love, again and again. In short, courage to live the way I saw fit. Because to live requires courage! Life is all about taking action and joying the flow to move forward, always forward.
I believe it was Mark Twain who said that “courage is not the absence of it, is the resistance to it, the mastery of fear”. The way I see it is that this dual antagonistic relationship of courage/fear pretty much defines our lives, whether we are aware of it or not.
Even the courage to do something dumb and perhaps dangerous as I have done so many times is something that ultimately moves life in a different direction. Some of you might wonder about an example. How about wandering into a pitch black forest in the middle of the night with nothing but a flashlight cell phone, no service and hearing whatever animals going around or riding with a stranger on a motorcycle and not telling any of my friends where I was or trying one of those crazy amusement rides ad hanging upside down for minutes in a row? Now you might say “well, that’s not courage, that‘s sheer recklessness!!”. And you are right
I have been noticing that courage cannot exist with fear and neither fear can exist without courage. Even in the most fearful moments there is something that innately call for a resolution of fear and for that, the courage TO DO begins to manifest. The mastery that Mark Twain refers to is all about merging those two opposite forces without cancelling or repressing any of them.
Strangely, while writing these lines a quote from the Harry Potter books comes to mind: “for neither can live while the other survives” (it’s about the prophecy that tied Harry and Voldemort together). Warning!! HP nerd here
But the essence is the same: both forces exist because of each other. Fear is a natural feeling while courage is the assurance that life moves on despite fear. Courage doesn’t annihilate fear; they co-exist. Sometimes, fear can be beneficial preventing us from getting ourselves into survival threatening situations but when it prevents us from living and it gets us stuck, courage is needed to act upon it and push things onwards again.
After 2023 I now look at courage as a personal choice which has nothing to do with the mind, it’s not intellectual but instinctual. Sure, intellect can motivate and inspire a lot but in the end is that inexplicable seed of energy that gets you up standing and finally going. It’s that “enough is enough” moment.
Last year was all about that shift from being totally frozen with fear and anxiety to slowly moving forward, one step after another. It was constantly a choice of will. I got to face challenges I never asked for or wanted. But I can say now that it’s not about what we want but in a more subtle way it’s about what we truly need and we don’t even know it. Those challenges came like hurricanes sweeping left and right. I felt pulled in two different directions: “What shall I do next? I am lost! What is the best way? Maybe that….but on the other hand…what would x, y, z say if…?” and “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, DAMN IT!!!” My own mind had become an uncoherent battlefield of thoughts, voices and feelings. Emotional and mental exhaustion creeps in and the healthy flow of life seems discontinued. When this happens I usually look for solace and guidance in poetry (for example Charles Bukowski), philosophy, (Carl Jung, Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations), music (everything that sounds sad, depressing and desperate feels like healing), nature (observing things around me like the branches and leaves of a tree, hearing birds chirping, walking for hours to physical exhaustion, get imbued by sunlight), talking and petting whatever dogs I find around (they are the best listeners and depression healers). For a few years already YouTube videos of Eckhart Tole, Gabor Mate and Jordan Peterson have accompanied me along the road and have showed me different perspectives to look at things. Thanks to all these resources I managed to get inspiration and support in some unexpected ways, I have found courage along the way to go one day at a time.
Ultimately, courage is about discovering oneself and finding inner balance. Knowing that my tendency is to get over emotional and overwhelmed with feelings- imagined or not- I must search to counterbalance that with a more rational and objective approach. Courage works best out of that equilibrium that one has worked so hard for. That’s the thing: it’s hard work and even though we live in the era of one-click-away the real deal still requires a lot of time and patience to get there despite frustration, anger, disappointment… despite fear!
Honestly, I am still recovering from the tough lessons 2023 has taught me but one thing is certain: I have paid attention. In retrospect, I couldn’t have picked a better word to summarize what previous year meant for me. I have discovered deeper layers of what courage represents, and beyond just doing things, taking action for the sake of action, courage is about having a reason that serves oneself best. It’s a question of “what’s my purpose overall? What are my higher wishes and desires that go beyond these moments of fear and lostness?” and then gradually, even painfully taking action to fulfill it. It feels so natural and at ease when we move through life WITH it, not against it.
Thank you 2023 for granted me with such rich and profound personal experiences!
The word that I picked for 2024 is Abundance. I will get back to you with a report about it at the end of this year. Wish me luck ;)
